Some days every ounce of me is ready to leave the town I was born and raised in behind. I’m thrilled to have freedom which I don’t have much of because I have strict parents. I want to move to NYC. I have all these big dreams and aspirations, but I have a catch.
I am scared shitless. I have been in the same house my whole life. I am an only child. I have been in the same school since kindergarten. As odd as it may sound I’m kind of sad that I’m going to leave those kids I’ve group projects with that I’m not actually friends with. I’m going to miss seeing the faces I’ve seen for the last 11 years. I am really scared of leaving behind the consistency. How can I be so ambitious and ready to leave and never come back some days. Then the next day, I’m terrified of what will happen.
I’ve always had a fear of growing up and this is the first year I’ve started to look forward to it. When I was younger none of my friends understood because they thought we had all the time in the world, but I knew it went by fast.
It’s snowing where I’m at and as a Texan, I can count on one hand the number of times this has happened. Something about this snowstorm has made me rather nostalgic. The last time it snowed I was in fifth grade and all I wanted to do was build snowmen and forts with my dad. Now I’m in 11th grade and all I did was take snow pictures with my dad, then go in my room and watch youtube. Where does the childlike wonder and thrill to live go? When does the world get heavy?
Then there’s the idea that life may not be all you dream it is. You might not live up to your expectations and you might go your whole life feeling empty. What if I’m just naive about how great life is? What if suddenly I’m 50 with a world of regret? What if I’m always so worried about my future that I neglect the moment every time? What if I’m overambitious and never meet any of my goals?
When did my life become such a seesaw between “I want to leave right now” and “I am going miss everything”? I know I’m going to grow apart from so many people. In fact, I’ve already started growing apart since quarantine. I’m going to miss everything, but I want to take on everything. Sometimes it sucks being an overthinking teen who wants to take on the whole wide world, but is scared of what disappointments might lie ahead.
xoxo, Mia
